have you ever?

have you ever liked someone so much that it changes the course of your life? things you had planned to do alone. envisioned alone, are now seen with two shadows. you walk past a couple and you no longer yearn that’s you, because your journey is straight to him. to kiss him as if it’s been the only thing on your mind all day, and it was.

you long for them even when they are near because you know they soon will be out that door. it feels like you are preparing for a goodbye. it aches when they are not around. their presence can ignite a fire place. light the candles that stand between our loved ones at a dinner table.

you want them to see you. it is a likeness that inspires you but holds so much. it holds the very things you worked so hard to reconstruct. there is a melody to their voice. a certain hum when they speak to you in the morning. one you want to memorize so when your back is turned, your body will recognize it first.

have you ever felt that magnitude of feelings? where words that were once rehearsed are now freely said. where you stare at all the old versions of yourself through their eyes, but knowing they only see one. the very one they kiss back. the very one they caress, and hold delicately.

i was always afraid to be truly held. to be looked at completely bare. have you ever let yourself be seen? allow them to dissect you. stare deep into the darkest parts of your soul, with no cost.

a feeling that makes your heart drop when you see an ounce of concern on their face. seeing how their eyebrows and eyes work together to look so scared. wanting to run your finger across, to ease it for them. a likeness that requires no performance.

i’ve been many. i’ve been less.

now i am more.

have you ever felt that impending doom? i have. when i find myself in the shower smiling thinking about them, and for a slight second my heart skips a beat. my breathe falters and i feel it all at once. an immense amount of fear. a lack of control from getting my heart broken. that they will truly get to know me, and they would find it too much. too ugly.

but deep down, i don’t question it. i want to embrace it. even with trembling legs, and closed eyes, i want it.