expired
photo booth pictures are ruined for me, after you. the experience of taking them while on a date longing for the person to kiss you, as you’re squeezed into a small space, is no longer something i look forward to. feeling as the tension thickens but as i looked at your’s, tension turned into anxiety. i found foreign faces smiling back at me. a smile i’ve memorized but not being the reason behind it. a past that lingered. staying past it’s expiration date.
popping this bubble i didn’t know i had created. who knew that would hurt. that your past wasn’t just stories but real people with real feelings. a body that bleeds like mine, and even a heart that may understand just the same.
somehow along the way more of your past leaked through and i found myself imagining what you sounded like. wondering if you held the same posture, or maybe even recycled the same lines to make me feel wanted. chapters left unread. new books opened. and the pattern continued.
or maybe just evidence that underneath it all there’s someone else. so many different versions of you. experiences that have led you here. to me. for what? to learn? to stay? who knows. and that right there is what is so crippling.
the other parts ruined what i thought i had. you texted me but thought of her. they say it requires repair when trust is broken. being able to articulate what kind of reassurance you need. how they should show up exactly how they did the first 3 months. reminding you what you truly mean to them.
then the second thing is to never question yourself. your self worth. abandoning yourself is never the answer. but it happens sometimes. it creeps in when you start to realize how many things you did right to end up finding “your person”. someone you thought would truly value you.
sometimes your mind argues with your heart. yelling at it, on how naive it is. how it should’ve known. the heart would much rather stay a heart. warm. alive.
i spent an entire day in silence. not finding the words for the war i feel internally. my therapist rewarding my self awareness but softly stating i should just feel. to be patient with me, with him. how is that fair?
i feel like i chose someone but they didn’t choose me. not fully. photo booth pictures are ruined for me. i want them all out of business.
